::body:image:pitfalls::

Perhaps it's time to share the struggles that I've been having (and hiding) - it might be cathartic for me to share it with the world (or whoever is taking the time to read my ramblings) and it might help someone along the way - who knows? 

I've been struggling with food for quite a while now - I can't say"for as long as I can remember" because before the age of 15 I was pretty thin and I ate whatever I wanted with no repercussions and during that time I really didn't care either. But then puberty happened and it all went downhill from there. 
I was 15 years old when I went on my first diet - The Beverly Hills Diet (garbage...really...)and during that point in my life I really began hating myself and the body I was in. It's crazy because social media wasn't even around during that time and I can't imagine what young women go through with their bodies today...everything is so much more accessible...so much more in your face...

::the:binge:cycle::

Last week was c.r.a.z.y.
Meaning it was super duper busy...I was going to lose my mind...so therefore, and naturally, I was absolutely beat by the weekend. I literally did nothing...well, that's untrue, I cleaned and did all the adulting that I needed to do but I also bailed on the gym both days and ate so much junk it wasn't even funny...definitely gained a few which I am not super proud of...which leads me to today's post...which many people struggle with and I am most certainly one of 
them and that is bingeing.
Now you can binge on pretty much anything these days...whether it be binge-watching your favorite shows, binge-drinking, binge-eating...binge-anything! But the most common form would of course be gorging yourself on food. 
I will admit that there have been times where I will plan a cheat meal and oftentimes it can turn to cheat "days"...which I know doesn't help my progress at the gym whatsoever...not only that, it's mindless. 

::body:beautiful::

I am currently trying to get back into my groove-thang regarding kicking major ass at the gym because I very preciptiously stopped all that I was doing to spend every waking minute with family during the holidays and eating whatever the hell I wanted since I had been on such a SUPER.STRICT.DIET. 

And then...well, Christmas and the holidays were over and it was all of a sudden nearing the end of January...going into February and I was STILL doing nothing except gorging on Haagan Daaz, Lays potato chips, pasta and pizza. 

This is what happens when you restrict yourself to the nth degree when it comes to food and calories and workout twice a day.

It's excruciatingly important for any individual that is embarking on a health & fitness journey to be there...actually *there* mentally every step of the way. If your head is not even in the game, then forget it. 
I think it's super important for you to be mindful of everything that you are doing and why you're doing it. Why are you losing weight or getting fit or building muscle? What's the purpose? Is it for you? For me? For your husband or parents? (The answer to that one is that it should be for you). 
Are you trying to get healthier? Fitter? Sexier? 
Do you want to feel better? Have more confidence? Clap back at dem haters?
Can you see yourself getting there? Can you visiually place yourself at the finish line looking the way and feeling the way that you want to look and feel? 
The finished product...that end line - should be clear as day to you.

::don't:panic::

I have written many posts the last few weeks that I told myself I would share but never did because of how busy and chaotic I feel like my life is right now. I say it that way because it really isn't as busy as some people that I know...

Although at the end of the day - every day - I feel like there isn't enough time in the day to do half of the things I want to do. 

Blogging being one of them.

But I know that if I don't start making changes then things will remain the same and honestly - I have no right to complain about anything if I perpetuate this cycle of monotony in my life.

Therefore, I wanted to touch upon a subject - something a bit different for this blog that hasn't even taken off yet - that many people suffer from...very often silently - and many times are misunderstood. 

I currently suffer from Generalized Anxiety Disorder, I do not take any medication for anything that I am dealing with right now and that is my decision. I feel like a lot of times it is manageable....actually that is a lie. I am prescribed a benzodiazepene (Ativan, aka Lorazepam) which I am to take on an "as-needed" basis. But I *rarely* take it...I can't remember the last time that I did take it, but the mere thought of it being there for me "just in case" - settles my anxiety as if there were a protective barrier surrounding me.

What compelled me to write this post is that I was very near a full blown panic attack yesterday. I had gone out for a short walk at work and a random thought popped into my head: "my, I'm a bit far from work...actually, I can't see the building" and THAT didn't help...I realized then that I never grabbed my pills (I usually carry them around everywhere I go - just in case). I was going to turn around and go back but thought that I wouldn't let this anxiety win so I continued around the huge blog. Well, it only got worse where I very nearly thought I was going to drop dead/pass out on the side of this industrial road. I felt like bursting into tears! I felt so helpless and like I wasn't in control.